SWAT TEAM RESPONDS, FEDS DENY ASSISTANCE

Charleston County SO SWAT responded today to CE Williams Middle School in response to an emergency of life-threatening proportions.


Sheriffs' Office spokesperson Det. D. Tracy stated that C. E. Williams Middle School requested law enforcement asistance in regards to violence and drug use on the school property to preserve human life, safety, tolerance, inclusion, and make sure that the administration didn't have to make one disciplinary decision.


Assistant Principal Amanda Wasteofbreath stated that they originally recieved a report of violence and drugs on the playground through a paid classroom informant. "Given the gravity of the situation, and the fact that I don't want to to make a decision, I decided to go straight to the Feds for help," she said.


A call was made to JFK Special Warfare Center and School at FT Bragg, N.C., where pleas for assistance met deaf ears.


SFC N. Fan Tree, Public Information Contact for JFKSWC stated, "I thought this bitch had lost her #@$%*&! mind! She called us and asked for Delta Force to come in and take two kids off to 'Gitmo because they were reading a copy of the American Rifle Association magazine and drinking a Mountain Dew! She said it was some crap about 'zero tolerance' policy for weapons and drugs, and kept screaming that caffine was a drug, because the DARE program said so. I've seen some pretty awful school systems in third world countries I've been to, but those poor bastards in Charleston need help, and I mean big time. Isn't that that county you people had where the state took over the schools? NO? You mean there's ones that are worse!?!?!?"


CCSO stated that they responded because Charleston City Police stated that dealing with these idiots in Charleston County School District once a day for stupid crap was enough for anyone.
Det. Tracy said that follow-up raids were requested and planned by Charleston County Schools and DSS, when it was determined that the children involved attend a Christian denomination, eat meat, have two parents in the home, and have been spanked. Raids were counducted on the church house itself, with the pastor arrested for conspiracy to commit child abuse due to the mental harm of teaching children absolute standards.


The parents are not available for questioning, as they have been detained and are being questioned by authorities. The children in question will be turned over to foster families at Bayside Manor, and will be attending mandatory deprogramming sessions at MUSC.


The reporter for this story is V.I. Lenin, and may be reached at VILenin@overreaction.com


On Student with air gun suspended, arrested

MASSIVE TRUANCY FROM COUNTY MIDDLE AND HIGH SCHOOLS, MOB OF YOUTHS CROWD GAILLARD AUDITORUM.

Tuesday morning saw massive truancy from local area middle and high schools, with no apparent explanation.

A teacher at one of the local high schools stated, " It was, like, really weird, and stuff. There was like, no kids in the class, and I am like, 'Gee Betty, where are the students?'"

Many guidance and counselling professionals cited several reasons as to why there was such a massive absentee rate at the schools, such as: breakfast not being good enough, the demands of moderate physical labor at the childrens' homes,and resistance to the bourgoise system and saying no to King Bush's war.

Meanwhile, mobs of excited youths crowded Gaillard Auditorium, with several disturbances and fistfights breaking out.

Debbie DuGooder of the Charleston Housing Authority spoke of the dialogue that took place between herself and several angry youths. "They were all abuzz and demanding where 'they' were, and I asked 'What?' They said that they were all there for condoms, and I told them that they didn't understand, the flyers said 'condos.'"

Ms. DuGooder the tearfully recounted how things then began to turn ugly.

"I mean, these kids couldn't read and discern the difference between 'condo' and 'condom.' I know they're in Charleston County schools, but I didn't know that it was that bad. When they figured out that this was a line for properties and not prophylactics, they started screaming that 'there was going to be a revolution up in this bitch,' and 'burn mother$#&!#%, burn!'"

Charleston City Police sent its School Crimes And Resourse to Educator Detachment (SCARED) to enforce standard discipline as normal for the schools within the city, and in the process, 25 truants were arrested on outstanding warrants ranging from armed robbery, murder, and assault with intent to ravish.

Reporter for this story is John Holmes, and can be reached at JHolmes@Trojans.com

On City seeks applicants for condos

GUERILLA GARDEN HAIKU

Old hippies.
Bored, with seeds.
Yearn for days of mispent youth
.
Days of treason.
Act without reason.
Maybe it was the LSD?

Grey hair and menopause.
Osteoporosis and Grecian formula, they need invigoration.
What? A new cause?

Just like Fidel and Che'
They have a way.
Flowers from the "Flower Elders."

All well meaning,
"kicking and screaming,"
How property owners will be dragged.

Your sunny plot?
Yours, it's not!
It belongs to "the people."

Vegetable garden, historic site,
Curbside plot in the dead of night,
Bulbs and seeds get planted.

Like bombs by Ayers and Weathermen,
Well make our plants blend on in,
And explode with burst of color.

Alas my hippie lass,
I learned my gardening, counter-guerilla style,
At Benning, Bragg, and Knox.

Treflan, Roundup, and garden potions,
Might just nix yor notions,
Of screwing with my plot that you covet.

This midnight adventure, just an acid trip?
Not too late, hippies,
Get a grip!

Burma Shave.

On Goal green for guerrilla gardeners

CHARLESTON AREA GOVERNMENTS TO CRACK DOWN ON OBESE, HEALTH HAZARDS TO THEMSELVES AND OTHERS

Charleston area local governments are getting together to craft laws to help improve society by removing a health, safety, and asthetic risk from our lives: fat people.

Of the pending intra-governmental regualtions, Councilmember V. I. Lenin stated, "Its high time we did something about the obsesity epidemic in this country. I'm proud to be a member of a do-something body! Why, how in the world are we to attract business and tourism to an area where people obviously consume too much food? Think of the inflation of food prices due to scarcity, the slowness of traffic infrastructure because we all know that fat people drive little cars, and those little cars can't haul all of that ass at a decent speed."

Mount Pleasant resident Jenni Huger-Merriweather was asked by our roving reporter outside of Starbucks, and she told us her opinion. "I hate to see all of those fat people. Like, you know, that too much of anything is so totally bad. Think of what happens to the athsethic harmony and feng shuei of things when you see a fat person in a pair of capris that are disgustingly too tight! And lets not even begin to talk about those poor Wal Mart people...It never bothers me personally because I wouldn't be caught dead there...with those awful polyester stretch pants! THAT should be illegal. Your right to be fat ends where the vision of my eyes begins! I know, sometimes we all lose control from time to time, but that's why I have bulimia, so I can correct my mistakes! After all, who wants to be fat when you can be flat?"

An insurance industry spokesperson, Ebbie Scrooge, gave us his insider insight on the economics of being too fat."You 'betcha that fat people cost us money. In fact, I'm looking for any excuse to cut acounts payable...I mean reduce health risks for our clients, by making certain behaviours unattractive: Like not paying an accident claim. I know, it sounds small, but think about it: We all know that fat people drive little cars, and if that person...even though they are not at fault...had been driving a larger car, we would have lower medical claims and lower life claims. So, our message is this: 'Get fat and die.'"

He went on, "Its not just cars. Think about how much efficiency you lose. Why have one person take up the space of two in an elevator or airline seat? In fact, I think a councilman's reccomendation for the Bodymass Index Team CHarleston was a great idea, and we just need to include fat people in the mix, not just skinny ones."

Reporter for this story is F. Domino, and can be reached at fdomino@largeinandcharge.com

On In Lowcountry, some folks like to smoke; others like to snuff out freedom