CHARLESTON AREA GOVERNMENTS TO CRACK DOWN ON OBESE, HEALTH HAZARDS TO THEMSELVES AND OTHERS

Charleston area local governments are getting together to craft laws to help improve society by removing a health, safety, and asthetic risk from our lives: fat people.

Of the pending intra-governmental regualtions, Councilmember V. I. Lenin stated, "Its high time we did something about the obsesity epidemic in this country. I'm proud to be a member of a do-something body! Why, how in the world are we to attract business and tourism to an area where people obviously consume too much food? Think of the inflation of food prices due to scarcity, the slowness of traffic infrastructure because we all know that fat people drive little cars, and those little cars can't haul all of that ass at a decent speed."

Mount Pleasant resident Jenni Huger-Merriweather was asked by our roving reporter outside of Starbucks, and she told us her opinion. "I hate to see all of those fat people. Like, you know, that too much of anything is so totally bad. Think of what happens to the athsethic harmony and feng shuei of things when you see a fat person in a pair of capris that are disgustingly too tight! And lets not even begin to talk about those poor Wal Mart people...It never bothers me personally because I wouldn't be caught dead there...with those awful polyester stretch pants! THAT should be illegal. Your right to be fat ends where the vision of my eyes begins! I know, sometimes we all lose control from time to time, but that's why I have bulimia, so I can correct my mistakes! After all, who wants to be fat when you can be flat?"

An insurance industry spokesperson, Ebbie Scrooge, gave us his insider insight on the economics of being too fat."You 'betcha that fat people cost us money. In fact, I'm looking for any excuse to cut acounts payable...I mean reduce health risks for our clients, by making certain behaviours unattractive: Like not paying an accident claim. I know, it sounds small, but think about it: We all know that fat people drive little cars, and if that person...even though they are not at fault...had been driving a larger car, we would have lower medical claims and lower life claims. So, our message is this: 'Get fat and die.'"

He went on, "Its not just cars. Think about how much efficiency you lose. Why have one person take up the space of two in an elevator or airline seat? In fact, I think a councilman's reccomendation for the Bodymass Index Team CHarleston was a great idea, and we just need to include fat people in the mix, not just skinny ones."

Reporter for this story is F. Domino, and can be reached at fdomino@largeinandcharge.com

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