REDUCATION AND RELOCATION OF PEOPLE DANGEROUS TO OTHER'S HEALTH CONSIDERED, FURTHER ACTIONS DEBATED

In compliance with the latest smoking ban, Charleston County will forcibly relocate peoples considered to be "unhealthy" by County Council.

County Advisor Mullah Omar stated "We have had these issues of the infidels...I mean the lawless...who do not understand what is best for them, and do not want to follow the law. We had ways of dealing with those who refuse to act in their best intrests, but I don't think your county council is Progressive enough for that, yet."

The same dirty, nasty, and lowbrow practioners of the pastime of death dared to speak out against their own good, citing archaic reasons as "property rights" and governmental interference with private property. This speaks of a poorly educated mind, obviously home or Christian schooled outside the arena of competent educators of the Charleston County school system.

County Council is further debating Body Mass Index (BMI) standards for resturaunts and clubs. Patrons would be denied entrance to the clubs if they were found to be in violation. The debate among council is what actions should the county take?

One councilman was quoted, "In my opinion, anyone wih a BMI of under 18 is obviously eating disordered. I know that the clinical threshold is a BMI of 17, but we're going to err on the side of caution for your own good. I think that the CCSO should have a special SWAT team to swoop down on these people when they are not a danger to themselves or others. I'd call it a Bodymass Index Team, CHarleston. Some underweight a-cup coed from the C of C walks into Wild Wings in Mount Pleasant, and WHOOSH... off they go with her to forced feeding and 'protective custody.'"
Since many of the council are over an overweight BMI themselves, many observers have been calling the debating of council in dealing with the overweight as "stalling" and "favoritism."

A new relcation subdivision is being built for the human debris without the brains to figure out what is good for them. Although the P&C wanted to tour the grounds of the new facility, we were told that it was strictly off limits for the good of the "uneducated" who are there.

"After all," stated one councilman,"These people don't know what's good for them. The next thing you know, they'd say that marijuana should stay illegal!"
On Justices uphold Sullivan's smoking ban

NON NEWS STORY O' THE DAY, TAKE 2.

CCSO responded to a complaint of two small burning crosses at a rural crossroads in the county. Both were made of treated 2 x 4's and smelled of kerosene.

"These are probably Beavis and Butthead type lil' bastards with nothing to do on the weekend." said CCSO Public Info Officer D. Tracy. "Come on..these kids probably got kicked out of Charleston County schools, for crying out loud. What do you expect, a road trip to the MENSA convention?"

Meanwhile, back at SOB and Mount Pleasant...

Starbucks cafe's in Mount Pleasant were abuzz with fears of genocide on the sea islands. "Why, its those right wing, Bible-toting, stump toothed, Confederate flag waving and hate-radio listening redneck Republicans," said Genni Ware-Halliburton between sips of mochaccino. "If it weren't for inbred trash like this, the world would be a better place! If Bush weren't in the White House, none of this would have hapened! I'll even bet that the crosses were built by Haliburton for $6 million each! Think of how many condoms for third world nations that would have bought."

While in Meggett, James Washington, local African-American resident stated," What crosses? That's what that was? I thought those idiots in the trailer down the road were burning trash in the front yard, again. 'Ya know, there ought to be some code enforcement out here."
When asked if he was afraid, he stated, "Hell, no! I got 12 gauges worth of reasons why I ain't afraid of nuttin'!"

While at county council chambers, community activists who live in Charleston city and Mount Pleasant were in a flurry over plans for radio broadcasts and leaflet drops urging tolerance, compassion, and hate whitey.

"The whole idea of whitey...I mean the Klan...showing his face around here is just plain unacceptable," stated Qwashanga Razinhell, East Side community activist and performance artist.

Although the P&C attempted to interview local Meggett residents, most of them were extremely uncooperative, often laughing at the reporter's questions, rolling up the window, and driving away.

"You crazy? You think I'm worried about that $#!t'" questioned Betty Jackson, obviously perturbed by the probing questions posed by a P&C reporter?
The CCSO stated that the hate crime scene included spills of kerosene, Top brand rolling papers, and a discarded Bic brand lighter. A single set of bicycle tracks led away from the scene.

When asked if there was a reward for tips leading to the arrest of the two hate criminals, the CCSO public info officer erupted in fits of spasmic laughter.
On Sheriff's department investigating burning crosses found in Meggett

CHARLESTON AREA GOVERNMENTS TO CRACK DOWN ON OBESE, HEALTH HAZARDS TO THEMSELVES AND OTHERS

Charleston County plans comprehensive regulations to protect us from ourselves!

Falling in line with the Supreme Court approval of smoking ban laws. Charleston area local governments are getting together to craft laws to help improve society by removing a health, safety, and asthetic risk from our lives: fat people.

Of the pending intra-governmental regualtions, Councilmember V. I. Lenin stated, "Its high time we did something about the obsesity epidemic in this country. I'm proud to be a member of a do-something body! Why, how in the world are we to attract business and tourism to an area where people obviously consume too much food? Think of the inflation of food prices due to scarcity, the slowness of traffic infrastructure because we all know that fat people drive little cars, and those little cars can't haul all of that ass at a decent speed."


Mount Pleasant resident Jenni Huger-Merriweather was asked by our roving reporter outside of Starbucks, and she told us her opinion. "I hate to see all of those fat people. Like, you know, that too much of anything is so totally bad. Think of what happens to the athsethic harmony and feng shuei of things when you see a fat person in a pair of capris that are disgustingly too tight! And lets not even begin to talk about those poor Wal Mart people...It never bothers me personally because I wouldn't be caught dead there...with those awful polyester stretch pants! THAT should be illegal. Your right to be fat ends where the vision of my eyes begins! I know, sometimes we all lose control from time to time, but that's why I have bulimia, so I can correct my mistakes! After all, who wants to be fat when you can be flat?"


An insurance industry spokesperson, Ebbie Scrooge, gave us his insider insight on the economics of being too fat."You 'betcha that fat people cost us money. In fact, I'm looking for any excuse to cut acounts payable...I mean reduce health risks for our clients, by making certain behaviours unattractive: Like not paying an accident claim. I know, it sounds small, but think about it: We all know that fat people drive little cars, and if that person...even though they are not at fault...had been driving a larger car, we would have lower medical claims and lower life claims. So, our message is this: 'Get fat and die.'"He went on, "Its not just cars. Think about how much efficiency you lose. Why have one person take up the space of two in an elevator or airline seat? In fact, I think a councilman's reccomendation for the Bodymass Index Team CHarleston was a great idea, and we just need to include fat people in the mix, not just skinny ones."


Reporter for this story is F. Domino, and can be reached at fdomino@largeinandcharge.com
On In Lowcountry, some folks like to smoke; others like to snuff out freedom